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 For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..

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bfye

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PostSubject: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Tue 17 May 2011, 2:53 pm



Sleeping With Newcomers is Wrong

Give the newcomers a chance, keep it in your pants. Hitting on newcomers is just plain wrong. It doesn’t allow people the chance to get the message.
It’s unfortunate, but true - as our friend Ned says in our homegroup “People die from prescriptions and dating.” Relationships are tough, and can cause all sorts of emotional distress. Emotional pain can be worse than anything you’ve ever felt - caused by seeking validation from someone else because you don’t feel good about yourself, and then subsequently being rejected! It can’t end well. People with years and years of recovery think about relapsing when that happens (not saying they do, but they certainly think about it!).
This goes for men, and women too! What do you think?
-InTheRooms


I most definitely agree with this article & feel adamantly that this is not often stressed enough within the meetings. How can a person who is just beginning their own journey of recovery & are only just learning who they are themselves become sidetracked by a new relationship before they have yet learned how to care about themselves? As said above, most of us newcomers come into the meetings full of self loathing & a very low self esteem, with a very difficult time even loving ourselves. How can a newcomer offer the love that it takes to make a relationship work when they are unable to even love themselves yet? How do you give away something that you do not yet have? And how will that same newcomer ever learn how to “work the program” & gain that self respect that the meetings have to offer when they are so preoccupied with that “member” that has now gotten into their heads? The meetings have then lost the inner message within, as the newcomer is too preoccupied with what “so & so” is thinking or doing, which also brings me to the thought of true honesty. Within recovery, honesty is the key to success. When you first begin to date a new person, in or out of recovery, do you tell them the very worst things that you have ever done within your life? That comes later, after a foundation of trust has been built & a recovering person feels confident enough within themselves to share these very personal details with their now significant other. I feel that if a newcomer immediately becomes involved with someone within the fellowship, then they will be more likely to “hold back” topics that they do most likely need to discuss due to embarrassment of speaking about these issues in front of a possible new lover. There are enough barriers to overcome within recovery without the concern of what a “shark” that has paid the newcomer too much “personal attention” to worry about what that person thinks of them if they are to be completely honest about their addiction & what actions it has caused them to do within their active addiction. Not to even mention that they will never get the answers they desire to get past those issues due to never bringing them up for fear of what that shark might think of them for speaking the truth. Obviously, I could go on & on about this topic, but for any newcomer, please listen to those who advise you about “men stick with men & women stick with women” as there truly is good reasoning for this advice. I have often heard people ask when it is appropriate to begin a new relationship upon beginning recovery & one of the very best responses that I have ever heard is to buy a plant & after a year, if that plant is still living, then to buy a dog. In another year, if that dog is still thriving, THEN it is the appropriate timing to consider a new relationship. Just a little (or really quite a bit) of food for thought. Also, if you are a newcomer & find this to be a difficult task to stay away from beginning relationships within the fellowship, then maybe you may want to consider meetings for your same sex only. Women go to women’s only meetings & men go to men’s only meetings until you are able to gain enough self respect to choose wisely, if you so choose to have a relationship with another person in recovery. Just one more quick statement & I will stop writing, I promise. I know of a couple who did just what we have discussed above- got into a relationship too early into recovery & after a short while, it ended up falling apart. Now the woman who was excelling in her recovery is too embarrassed to go back to her Home Group meetings in fear of running into her ex & has now relapsed, but now feels as if she has no where to go due to this past relationship. Of course, she should just put aside her pride & walk back in with her head held high, but even if this is too difficult for her, then she needs to locate new meetings & now has the knowledge of not rushing into a relationship with another shark within those meetings. Or simply go to a women’s only meeting to get going again!

Any comments??

~Beth I love you
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Wed 18 May 2011, 4:22 pm




Beth you've made some pretty good points. I also agree that to enter into a new relationship in the beginning of recovery is a mistake.
Each time I entered into recovery, it was drilled into my head not to enter into a new relationship.
But it was up to me to heed that advice or ignore it.
I know your talking mainly about meetings but new relationships happen everywhere, groups, residential treatment facilities and so on. When people enter into recovery at take for instance a residential treatment facility, it is there they begin to first share with others their intermost secrets.
And it seems to them that most everyone understands what they have been going through after all, they're going through the same old crap themselves. Aren't they?
A lot of times it is because of that newfound friendships that relationships begin to blossom.

If someone is attending a meeting where there seems to be a shark looking for some new play toy, its time to run. Get the hell out and find a new meeting. Any group who condones that type of behavior is not the one to choose.

I hate it that your friend has stopped attending meetings because of what happened. I hope she will listen to you and find another home group. Because of the way she feels about going back I don't think it would be wise for her to try to Hold her head up right now. Her attention would probably be more on what he is doing and not on herself.
She needs to worry about herself right now. She is what is important.
I'm sorry to hear that she has now relapsed. And I know your angry. I want to say something without upsetting you. It is okay for you to be angry but don't own that anger.
You have used the term "shark" a couple of times. That tells me you are owning the anger and that is not good for your own recovery either. I say this because I care about you. You have been through a lot of tough stuff yourself.


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cajunmeme

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PostSubject: Re: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Wed 18 May 2011, 9:51 pm

[b][i]

Wow,great topic and shameful for me as well.

My first time in recovery about 15yrs ago I started going to meetings everyday after rehab. I got involved with a group of about 10 of us. We'd go to coffee after and do everything together. My marriage was in big trouble and I ended u having a affair with one of the guys in the lil group. My husband and I split up and me and this guy stayed together for about 3 months. My husband had then been going to Ala-Non. He refused to go before he felt it was me that had the problem not him. He was right but when one gets in recovery it's really good if both can.
It was a mess and me and this guy both relapsed. It was the first time in my life I had nowhere to go. One of the gals in the group offered me to stay with her. My daug. was married and my son was living with her b/c he was so angry with me.

My husband and I started seeing each other again and we were both in the program and without the program I truly don't think it would have worked.

I did go back into the same meeting that this all took place. It was very hard. I knew ppl were talking about me and I was full of shame. What made it even harder is that my husband was such a nice guy and they all loved him.
I was glad that I went back b/c I wanted to get clean. In a short time ppl forgot what I'd done and many asked my husband and I to tell our story.

For me and only me I felt I had to go back and face these ppl. I had always run when things got back and I had to stop running.

That was in Ga.

I'm now living in La. and 3 yrs. ago I started going to meetings and I could not believe the ppl that were having affairs or all the ppl that were hitting on newcomers. I did not feel comfortable and I was told to "lighten up" when I said something about this going on. I tried to tell them I was not trying to be a bitch. I knew the end result and it's very painful. Many lives are ruined.

I no longer go to meetings for several reasons. The main reason being that I've been told as long as I'm on Suboxone I'm not clean. Not to pick up chips,do not share,etc.

I do have to say that I learned alot from the program and carry it in my daily life.

Today,I still have the same husband,don't know how he's stuck it out. My daug. and son are very close to me. Often a lil too overprotective. My son will only allow me to keep his son.What a blessing he has been. With the help of God and some ppl I've met thru the Suboxone program I pray this will be my last time of starting over again.

My only reason for telling this story is with hopes that maybe someone can avoid the pain. Perhaps someone will see it's okay to start over. As long as we breathe there is hope.

Thanks for letting me share

Marie
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Thu 19 May 2011, 12:55 pm






Thanks Marie,

There are a lot of people who could benefit from attending these meetings but so often are told they cannot participate.
Suboxone is considered to be a mood altering drug. But so are anti depressants, but nothing is said.
I don't attend meetings. I used to a very long time ago.
I have to be honest when I say that I never noticed a lot of what must have gone on. In reading what Beth said and now you, I've learned a lot.
And I thank you both for that.

To go back to that same meeting took a lot of courage. I don't know if I could have done the same thing. Probably not. I probably would have stopped all together. As bad as that sounds it is the truth. I'm not saying I would have relasped but it's hard for me to get up the courage to walk into a room of people I don't already know and the thought of starting over would have scared me terribly.
It's strange the way that I am. I have no problem in reaching to try and help others, but when it comes to me reaching out for myself. That's where I run into problems. I'm working on it but still have a ways to go.
Thanks for being here.

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bfye

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PostSubject: Re: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Sun 22 May 2011, 3:59 pm


Just a quick response...

When I shared the above article, I simply put it out there as advice that I have seen firsthand & how it has turned out. Yet, that is ONLY what I have seen & believe. Obviously the choice belongs only to the individual themselves. I see that Marie has had some of the same experiences & I thank you for sharing such private matters with us. Dee, I thought hard about your response about "owning that anger" & in some aspects you are correct. I am angry that this situation did happen because the woman that this happened to was my Sponser back when I was in recovery for those 2 1/2 years before relapsing myself & when I occasionally began to go back to meetings, of course I went looking for her to no avail. So yes, in that aspect, I am owning some of the anger that has occurred due to her situation. Yet, in my own terminology, I still refer to many of these type of men (or women) as "sharks" because as I have been in the meetings, I cannot even tell you the amount of times that this exact situation has happened to me- men "coming onto me" & NOT for the purpose of recovery, but simply looking for a vulnerable woman. I consider a shark to be a predator of someone (or something) that is "weaker" than themselves at that moment. If that makes any sense in my wording? I do have to admit that at this point in my recovery, I am full of anger & resentments, which is not how I normally feel about my blessing of actually being in recovery. I am normally very grateful & still am, yet for some reasonings that I am unable to quite wrap my mind around at the moment, the anger "feels" more prominent. As I said, I am unsure of where these feelings are coming from & I am well aware that they are detrimental to my recovery, as these type of emotions can easily lead to relapse. Thankfully, I do have the insight that these emotions are occurring & luckily thus far, the relapse has not happened. I am in the middle of some major soul searching, yet not finding the answers that I am crying out for yet. The one thing that I am sure of is that I do NOT ever want to go back to that hell of where I have escaped from, so that alone keeps me in check of what I do have rather than what I don't have at this moment..

Thanks for listening!
Always,
Beth
I love you
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PostSubject: Re: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Sun 22 May 2011, 4:54 pm

[b][i]

Hi Beth,
I'm sorry you having some struggles. Do u journal?
I've found that journaling can help.
I also have my God Box. Whatever is going on in my life be it a situation a feeling or whatever if it's affecting me I'll throw it in the box and give it to God.

Beth I'm not nearly as good at writing as you are and I just wanted to tell how how beautiful your writing is and I really enjoy reading it.

I know for myself I try very hard to get rid of a resentment b/c it does more damage than good. I've had times recently when something will try to creep in and I try to let it go b/c it's like poision.
I know you know all this and i hope you will be able to find peace soon.

Love in Recovery
Marie


PS..Where are you and Dee finding all the beautiful avatars that ya'll put up? Thank you
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bfye

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Humor : There is no room in your heart for anger when you are filled with gratitude.
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PostSubject: Re: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Mon 23 May 2011, 12:15 pm


Marie,

Thank you for the kind words & suggestions. Also, thank you for reminding me that I do know that resentments only cause damage within me & within my recovery. I also have (had) a God Box that I started back when I had the sponser that I have been referring to in previous posts that is no longer in the program of the 12-Step meetings. But, to be truthful, I have to admit that I haven't used it in quite awhile & upon hearing your suggestion of trying it once again, I am going to create myself a new one & go back to using it on a regular basis, as I DID find that it helped me out to know that there are situations that are out of my control & I do need to "let go & let God" help me get through these tough times. Also, I do journal, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I have been having a difficult time trying to find the "right wording" to express my feelings at this point in my recovery. I feel like I keep writing the very same things over & over & yet over again... Do you ever have that happen to you? Thank you again for your support & suggestions, as well as your peace offering. I hope to relocate that inner peace again soon as well.

As for the avatars that you were referring to, there is a site called "PhotoBucket" that contains thousands of pictures, quotes, cartoons, etc. on every topic imaginable. I also "save" pictures from things that I come across that I just happen to like- little logos from Facebook or our saltwater aquarium & the fish within it. I believe that Dee knows of another site, yet I cannot think of the name of it for anything at the moment. Tags? That might lead you in the right direction, but she will have to let you know what it is exactly called. I lost all of my tags, all of my previously saved pictures & all of that information when my home computer took its last breath. (or energy surge, in this case.. hehe!) I lost alot of information that I had not backed up onto my laptop when that happened. Anyways, getting way off topic... If you have any trouble finding PhotoBucket, please let me know & I can try to send you the link, but I can't imagine you having any issues finding whatever it is that you may be looking for there. It pretty much walks you through it.

I am going to close this up for now as my "SO" (sig. other) is working nights right now, so if I want to talk to him at all before he leaves at 3:30pm or returns at 4:30am, I would rather do it now than at 4:30. Plus, my kiddos are demanding some lunch despite the fact that they have not stopped eating all morning long!!

Hope to hear from you soon!

Your Friend,
Beth
I love you
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: For those who attend 12-Step Meetings..   Mon 23 May 2011, 8:15 pm

Beth

I hate it that you are having such a hard time right now and I know better than to push you into talking before you are ready. The time will come. I just want you to know we will be here for you when you are able to get a grasp on what is going on.
Have you been able to see Andy at all since she took her new job? I know you had grown close to her in the time you had together. I wish for you that it was possible to have the option of seeing her again.
She seemed to understand when no one else could.

I knew about your computer going out but didn't stop to think you had lost your precious tags. I have created a post and have shared some links there.
I will also forward some onto you as I get them. But don't worry I won't bombard you.
One of those links I think you and Marie both will enjoy. ( Susan's Daily Dose)I hope you guys can check it out.
Take care
Dee

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