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bfye

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PostSubject: Non-Attachment   Sun 29 May 2011, 11:25 am




May 29
Non-Attachment


I will practice non-attachment in the affairs of my day today. Non-attachment acts as a deterrent to my co-dependent relationship with the people, places and things of my day. When thoughts go through my mind, I will let them do just that, go through. I do not have to mentally chase after every thought. When I do that, I can get lost in a sort of circular reasoning or compulsive ruminating that is not productive.

I have choices. I can choose which thoughts to dwell on and which to let pass by. When I can practice non-attachment in my mind, I can begin to practice it in the activities of my day. I will allow myself to choose how and when to get involved. I will observe from a place of non-attachment that allows me to be free and serene.


I am centered from within.


Approach it and there is no beginning;
Follow it and there is no end.
You can’t know it, but you can be it,
at ease in your own life.
Lao Tzu

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cajunmeme

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PostSubject: Re: Non-Attachment   Sun 29 May 2011, 1:17 pm




Hi Beth,
How you doing,hun?

I've been meaning to get back to you with some questions you asked me. I've not been ignoring you,just been really busy.

My daug.Kristy is 39yrs. old and she lives in Ga.
Let me back up just a bit.
In 1986 we all moved from La. to Ga. b/c I had a crazy ex husband who tried to kill me and leave me dead with my kids there. I had been divorced from him for 12 yrs and he came back. He wa then stalking my kids at school. I felt the best was for me to leave town b/c the police were of no help.

So,in 2004 after living in Ga. for 17yrs we decided to come back to La. Kristy was in her late 20's and didn't want to come with us. My son had his family and didn't want to come either. My Mom was dying from colon cancer and I felt she needed me.
A few months after we moved back hurricane Katrina came and we lost everything. My son came to help us and decided to stay. i was expecially thrilled to have my grandson back.
My son was also in a desperate need of getting away from the things he was doing.
Of which,he's done great till recently I'm seeing familiar behavior that breaks my heart for him.

So,now my daug. is coming to move back and will stay with us till she gets on her feet.
Sadly she has no children. She was pregnant with twins and at 6 monts she lost them both. She had several miscarriages before that and eventually had to have a hysterectomy at 27yrs old. Her marriage failed as well after that.

I also have a step granddaug. that I've tried really hard with but I do not tolerate a disrespectful child...No tolerance for it,even if it was my grandson.

I also have another daug. that lives about 2hours from here but she is always to "busy" for us. She is in her own world but we do talk alot. She has 2 daug. 18 and 17. I see them some but not nearly as much as I'd like to.
That's another story as well....I have lots of stories. I need to write a book...LOL

I hope I answered all your questions if not just ask away.

I see that you have children. How old are they?

I always love the post you put up that always have a good message as the one u just posted above. Thank you.

I hope you enjoying your weekend.

Marie Smile
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bfye

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PostSubject: Re: Non-Attachment   Mon 30 May 2011, 4:19 pm


Thank you Marie!!


It is great to begin to get to know you better & so nice to hear about you, your family & the experiences that have brought you to where to are today. I can plainly hear how much you care about your children as well as your grandchildren throughout your words & heartfelt emotions about them. I can see that you have also made it down an extremely rough road & now it seems to be getting "paved over" quite well due to your lead of success. Have you ever heard the saying that "the Mother is the glue of the family?" You are an exemplary example of how these dynamics work. Look at how wonderful of a job you have done to know that when your children need help throughout their own lives, YOU are where they come to for that help! That speaks volumes about your parenting!! I love you It sounds as if your son is having a difficult time right now & that must break your heart knowing that there is nothing that you can do for him, other than to offer your undying love & support, as well as being such a big part of his son's life in a positive atmosphere. As addicts, we know that is what we seem to need the most. Not someone continuously judging your actions, but offering up the constant love that we are desperately needing & seeking the very most throughout this time period. We feel badly enough about ourselves throughout our using days that it does NO GOOD to have the people that matter the most within our lives shunning us due to our disease. I don't want to be too nosey, so of course you do not have to answer this question if you feel too uncomfortable speaking about it, but can I ask, what type of drug is your son struggling with these days? It sounds like his wife is suffering from a pill addiction- is that what he is battling as well? Does either of your daughters suffer from an addiction? How understanding are they of this disease & the issues that it creates within a family? As you probably already know, but when one person within the family is sick with this disease, it causes a "ripple effect" & the entire family dynamics change, thus making every member affected by it. So to try to make some sense of that- if one person gets sick with addiction, it seems to make the entire family "sick" in their own way. I just wonder if your son gets the support that he needs from his sisters as well. I know first hand that it hurts very badly to have my own siblings "judging" me for an illness that I would never wish upon anyone! I never wanted to become an addict or have the disease of addiction, but it is what it is now. I just wonder if I had cancer or diabetes or ANY other disease in the entire world, would they still judge me for acquiring it? What also really pisses me off about the whole ordeal is that my Dad is an alcoholic (a "functioning" alcoholic, yet needs to drink everyday to function, so STILL an alcoholic!) yet my siblings do NOT judge him because "it's only alcohol" & both of my sisters have also married men who drink, so what's the problem? I also have a brother who is wonderful, but has also taken on the role of the men within our family & is also a daily drinker. Addiction runs rampant within our family, yet not with my Mom, nor my sisters. It has come from generations of the men who feel as if they deserve to drink if they are still performing their daily "duties" & are still providing for their families. My Dad, all of his brothers, his Dad, his Dad's children, my cousins & all of their fathers going back as far as I know about. Our extended family is kind of split- more than half of them are still going at it, yet as the family continues to grow, we have had many members who are now in recovery. Yet again, it's "ONLY" alcohol, so it's not the same as how they portray me. I am a drug addict. Despite that painkillers are also legal (and even paid for by insurance) I am still a DRUG addict. That hurts me inside to no end. Even though I am in recovery, which they DO support, they would have no problem if I would decide that I would rather drink than take the pills that were originally prescribed to me for a legitimate reason. What is a legit reason for drinking other than to get “buzzed up” or to not feel the way that they feel without the alcohol? Sorry to go off on a tangent about my own family, but it is one of the resentments that I am currently dealing with, along with many others right now. The biggest one being the issue with my oldest daughter & my Mother which I described in another post & is breaking my heart on a constant basis. In the above post about “Non-Attachment” is how I have been trying to cope with this situation. As well as relying on the “Serenity Prayer” to try to allow the negative thoughts to pass through my mind rather than dwelling on them, which only brings me down worse than what I am already feeling about the situation when I do dwell. Again, it makes NO sense to me that my Mom is allowing her to live there now when I am in recovery. If she was so concerned about her well being, why didn’t she try to take her in when I was in the midst of my active addiction? And if she still thinks that my daughter is in such harms way, then why in the world would she leave my 2 youngest children, who are 3 & 4, here with me when they need more done for them than what my 15 year old daughter does? In the sense of being able to tend to themselves is what I mean by that statement. Such examples would be things such as the fact that I no longer need to give my 15 year old a bath or make her a snack or make sure that she is not drawing on the walls or getting too close to the road when we are outside, etc, etc, etc. The strangest thing about all of this is that although I have these feelings inside regarding my family, they always seem to just be swept under the rug. Just like my entire childhood. Despite that I have brought these issues up, it seems like we all just “pretend” like everything is just fine. Yet, I DO NOT feel that way. Every year my family takes a vacation to the same beach & rents a house & about 40-50 people go along. It is like a big drunk-fest! The past few years, my immediate family has not been able to go along. The first year that we missed it was when I was due to give birth to my now 4 year old daughter & the vacation was planned for 3 days after I delivered her. The next year, they left for vacation the very same day that I delivered my now 3 year old son. I was to be at the hospital at 6am & my family left for their trip at 5am. They met him when he was 10 days old. And that included my now 15 year old daughter, as they always made sure that she got to still go along. Yes, I guess that I still hold a bit of resentment for this as well. My Mom has been at the hospital for every one of her grandchildren’s deliveries, except for mine. You know that I sure could’ve used a bit of help from my family (or even my own oldest daughter!) when I already had a one year old baby at home that could not even walk yet & my sig. other had to go directly back to work on Monday after delivering my son on Friday night. I came home from the hospital on Sunday evening & Monday started a brand new ordeal for me on my own. It’s not like his family was going to step up to help out. Remember, I am just a drug addict! His Mother & I do not even speak! Anyways, to shorten this story up a bit, this year is the first year that we are able to go on this vacation again & with all of the “drama” going on, we don’t even feel like going along with all of them. We are talking about attempting to take our own vacation to Florida & of course, my family is just absolutely offended that we don’t care to partake in their plans. So at the moment, I feel like I am excluded from both sides of the extended families. I do realize that this is somewhat by my own choice, but I am just not choosing to go pretend everything is wonderful since it is all swept under the rug once again. I don’t know how this is going to end up working out- just trying to make through it “one day at a time” & see what God’s plan is in all of this. Yet, I have to admit that I am angry at the world right now. The man that I am choosing to spend my life with (my sig. other “SO” or fiancé or common law husband or however I should describe him as we live as if we are married) is also very angry at the entire situation. Also, his own Dad, who now lives with us, (another long story) has had some major health issues within the past couple of years & is divorced, so guess who tends to him as well? Anyways, he has had 3 heart attacks within the past 2 years, as well as being diagnosed with colon cancer a couple of summers back. He was treated for it all & was told that he is in remission until just recently going back for a check up & was informed that it has all come back! He will be going back in for another surgery within the next couple of weeks. Obviously, this has also caused some major stress within our household as well. We have been supporting him for the past couple of years as it is since he is not well enough to work, yet still well enough to smoke & spend his free time in the bars. More anger spilling out here… I really am sorry for making this post all about me. I wanted to get to know you better & have instead just spilled my life’s woes onto you. I really do want to let you know that this is not how I usually am as I am just plain out angry at everything right now. I am normally a very grateful recovering addict & right now, I hate to even admit this, but my gratitude has taken a backseat to recent circumstances or possibly circumstances that I just have not yet dealt with before & are finally coming out now. The things that I have previously done to keep my recovery in tact, such as posting much more frequently on the forum, seeing a wonderful counselor & being on a medication for my anxiety have all changed recently. My beloved counselor was offered a promotion to be a Director in another facility & she can no longer be my counselor. In the meantime, I have tried out a couple of her colleagues, but I feel like I may as well be talking to the wall, so I no longer have a counselor at the moment. As for posting on the forum, I am trying to get back into the "swing of things" in this aspect. I just cannot spend hours & hours on the computer or it causes issues within the household. (again, another story for another time) And the medication that I had previously been on for the anxiety is habit forming, so it is not in my best interest to be taking it, despite that my previous doctor was prescribing it despite the circumstances. This is also a big issue for me because I did not want to go off of this medication, but my "SO" as well as my Mother informed my new doctor that I have previously abused it. I have previously abused it, yet for the last year that I had been on it, I was doing very well about taking it as prescribed. I could simply be justifying why I think that I should have the option to be on it, but I honestly believe that my family way overstepped their bounds by telling my doctor this without my consent. I have previously mentioned that I have been attending a few 12-Step meetings per week, but to be honest with you, I cannot be honest within those rooms. I am not technically "clean" since I do take Suboxone for the maintenance of my opiate addiction. They preach honesty, so I feel like a hypocrite when I do speak at all since I am not being completely honest. It feels like nothing is working out right at the present moment & now I have just had another incidence occur right now, so I do have to close this up for now. All I can really say is, thank you for listening to me vent & complain as this crap has got to come out of me somehow & I really appreciate this forum allowing me to do so.

Thank you very much!
Happy Memorial Day to all!!

Your Friend,
Beth
I love you
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bfye

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PostSubject: Re: Non-Attachment   Thu 02 Jun 2011, 11:37 am


Hello to everyone!!

I wanted to apologize for my above post & directing it only at Marie. I began to respond to her previous post & my words just kept on a flowing. I just want to ask all of our members to please read the post & if you have any input, I sure would appreciate your feedback on how you have handled situations such as the ones that I am currently struggling with these days! I am open to ANY suggestions possible & sure would be happy to hear others' opinions on how YOU have dealt with your struggles that have left you baffled at times throughout your own recoveries!

Thank you so much!

Yours in Recovery,
Beth
I love you
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: Non-Attachment   Thu 02 Jun 2011, 2:48 pm







Beth,
You have nothing to apologize for.
You are going through a tough time right now that's all. I'm sure no one will take offense that you didn't list others in your post. Currently this forum is not as active as it can/should be. For what reason, I don't know.
That in itself opens up another topic all together though.

Your family is not unlike many others who find it perfectly acceptable to drink to excess whereas opiates addiction is completely taboo. My in laws are the very same way. My father in law brags about how often and how much he drinks. Not a holiday, family function or any day really goes by that you don't see him with a beer in hand.
I have a brother in law who drinks himself into tears anytime the family gets together and always for one reason or another. Never because they are addicted to alcohol.
When my father in law found out I was an addict, his words to me were.. "You don't need that crap." I told him about my addiction because I didn't want him to hear it from the other family members.

Alcohol is accepted in our society as a way of relaxing & celebrating. But Opiates, well now that's a whole new ball game.

Chances are that some of your family will never understand the disease concept of addiction.
But you can't let them control your life, you've been battling this with them for years and things haven't changed. As much as it hurts there has to come a time that you stop trying with them and move on towards your life and your goals.
Ignore them, I'm not saying to ignore them like stick your head in the sand. But try to ignore the things they say. Your mother is not going to change, she may be able to support you sometimes but she's not going to change in the way you would like her too. She has her head in the sand. And that is her way of coping.

You my friend are a very sensitive and caring person and sometimes I feel like you care too much. Why is there not anyone else that is able to help our with your father in law. I know he has others sons and your mother in law. Well she is a real pickle. I bet if we did some research into her early married years, things were not as perfect as she'd like you to think.
The reason you take care of your father in law? Because that is what families do. They take care of each other. It's not your fault that no one else has the desire to step up to the plate.
Take that vacation, there's no reason that you shouldn't if that's what you want to do. In fact, you deserve it. Take a break enjoy yourself for once instead of constantly trying to make everyone else happy. Take time for Beth.







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bfye

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PostSubject: Re: Non-Attachment   Tue 07 Jun 2011, 3:54 pm


Hi Dee, Marie & everyone!!

I wanted to thank you for your constant support throughout this ordeal!! I couldn't do it without the friendships that I have made here in recovery. The reminders of that I am not the only one who has problems, but that is just life & it often FEELS more difficult for those of us who ARE recovering. Dee, you know me so well & reading your above post just hit the nail on the head. I HAVE been doing the trying to please everyone deal for as long as what I can remember. And still am... Yet, I WANT so badly to have good relationships with these people, my family. My relationships with MY side of the family are strained, but not bad. Just the situation with my Mom & daughter. Yet, after reading Marie's post, I need to remember that she is a teenager who has lived with an addict for the majority of her life. And we are not broken. Friday evening I took all 3 kids to Chuckie Cheeses & we had a blast just being goofy & not talking about anything other than the games & tickets- we just lived in the moment rather than concentrating on the outside situation & we had fun! Of course, I cried dropping her off, but I want her to know that I support her & love her despite her confusion right now. We went to my parents house for a birthday party last night (yes, there IS at least one b-day party a week in our family that my Mom celebrates with a get together with her children) It also went well. We were late in getting there, so that also helped BC as people were leaving, it gave me more personal time with Nadine, my brother, Matt, the kiddos & my parents. We played a couple of card games with her & pretended everything was fine. I don't want to fight with her anymore if this is what she truly wants BC all I want is for her to be happy. Of course it still hurts to know that she feels happier with my Mom than with me, her own Mama, but what would any teenager choose when she no longer has any responsibility, nor chores & still gets spoiled beyond any logical reasoning? They leave for Disney Land tomorrow & have been shopping everyday to buy new clothes & accessories & anything else that her little heart desires- why would she want to be here having to wash dishes & take out trash to earn her phone & allowance when it is just given to her by my Mom? Not to mention having to "share the limelight" with her 2 younger siblings? Right now, she is "it!" She has the world by the cajones! Like every teenager that I have ever known, she has threatened to run away in the past & we told her that if she could go find a place that she had no responsibility & still had all the necessities (and all of the privileges) of life provided for her, then she should go for it. (our thinking being that NO PLACE ON EARTH exists such as this) yet she has managed to play my Mom just perfectly & located such a place to live. I guess that I just have to continue to let her know how much I love her, that I am still ALWAYS going to be here for her, NO MATTER WHAT & remember to be thankful that she is in a safe environment. (despite the fact that I HATE it!!) I know that I have every right to go pull her right back out of there & bring her home, but I don't think that is the best move on my behalf right now BC I am going to be bringing home a very angry & rebellious teenager who will hate me for doing such a thing & I don't want her to ruin her life by acting out against me or trying to hurt herself BC she is no longer getting her way. It is pretty sad that I have lost any control over her at the moment, but I am still remembering Marie's words of hoping that she will see what she had when she matures some. I know that she is at a very difficult age as it is without the situation that is going on around her. I am trying to give her the time that she needs to "re-group" & see that she does have a family who loves her more than life itself & hope in time that she will realize what a priority that really is in life. And as you all know by now, this is on my mind pretty much constantly & as I was thinking about it, I realized that if I did not have these kiddos here, there would be plenty of times that I would choose to go live elsewhere as well. We all know that I love my "SO" yet there has been plenty of past fighting due to my addiction, as well as the situation with his side of the family. She's so tired of all of the negativity & personally, I don't blame her for that. She does NOT deserve to be talked down to by his father or have to listen to his mother ranting about what a piece of crap I am for my past. She's just heard it all too many times. She doesn't want the drama that comes with this living situation & really, neither do I, but I am sticking by my immediate family & trying to raise my 2 younger children in an UNbroken home. Dysfunctional, yes, but I don't know of many families that don't have some sort of dysfunction that they have to live with as well. We would all be much better off without being in the same household as his father, but as Dee mentioned above, I am here to help him BC he is family & in my eyes, that is what families are for. We are not meant to do it all on our own- we all need help at some point or another throughout our lives. I just wish that more of his side of the family would step up to help out regarding his Dad, yet I also realize that his Dad is one that refuses to ASK for any type of help, so the majority of his family doesn't even realize what he is currently enduring & the ones that do know (such as his Mother) are just "too busy" to step up. I am trying to look at that aspect as a blessing in disguise BC that keeps her away from here & I don't have to hear her bash me about anything that she possibly can. I really am trying to look at the positive side of this entire situation since dwelling on the negative was only hurting me & the people around me. Mainly my babies! They need a Mama that can remain positive throughout the darkest times so that they can also learn these traits & not feel the suffering that is going on right now. I am relying on Gods plan, although I am still unaware of exactly what it is- I am counting on the fact that He does! Like a Star @ heaven We have also decided to go ahead & try to take that vacation WITH the entire family instead of going on our own. As I previously mentioned, I am trying to mend these "strained" relationships with my family & by not going along with them when they so desperately want us to be there, I feel like it would be like a slap in the face to them that we would rather go alone than be along with them. Especially to my Dad who feels caught between a rock & a hard place with the entire situation. So we told them on Sunday that we were going to go ahead & try our hardest to make it on this trip. Thank God that Matt is so open to trying to help me through these difficult decisions. He told me that he wants to go wherever I want us to go & that we would have fun regardless!! I love you So now that I have poured my heart out about everything that is going on yet again, this time it is getting more & more positive as I am regaining my footing with all of these emotions that I am finally getting a little bit used to having now. Thank you all for your kind words & the reminders that there is a good side to every situation- sometimes you just have dig deep inside for it! Smile

I look forward to hearing from any of you who may have such situaitons that you may need help with as well. We are NOT meant to travel this journey alone! Thank you again for helping me to get through all of this!

Yours in Recovery,
Beth I love you
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PostSubject: Re: Non-Attachment   Tue 07 Jun 2011, 6:42 pm

Beth,
I want you to have a happy vacatin and I know it can be done. You wil be in the area of our Barbara and I will give you her number in a pm in case you would like to give her a call. She works at Disney often setting up the trade shows and we know she would love the opportunity to finally get to meet you. No pressure, just think about it.

I think eventually Nadine may come around. Like you and Marie both said she is young and still has some growth. She loves you that much I know. And at the same time, she is tired. Maybe she is looking for what she thinks would be a normal life. We all want Normal.
Love heals most all hurts.
I am glad that you are getting a handle on things and that you are starting to sound like the Beth I know.
Kris is calling, so I have to run.
Take care flutterbye

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