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 A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...

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KJ



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PostSubject: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 08 Jan 2012, 4:17 am

Hello All, My name is Karla. I am so grateful to have found this site and have A LOT of questions for Dee and anyone else who might be able to help me. I need help finding my way to start a new path in life that I so desperately long for. Since I did spend a long time reading through many of everyone's postings and suggestions and advice before I decided to join I am hopeful I have found a group of people that can help me find the answers I need. I intend on saying my hello's then I will start a thread telling all of you about my "story" and history with addiction. After I've done my raw disclosures I will hopefully get some help from all of you in answering the questions I have that will determine how I move forward in changing my life. I look forward to getting to know you all, hopefully, and am excited about what you may be able to contribute to saving my life. I hope this finds you well and smiling, and I can't wait to get this "ball" rolling.
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 08 Jan 2012, 12:43 pm




Hi Karla,
It is good to have you here with us. I take it from your post that you are at the end of what must be a tiresome journey and are ready to start a new one filled with hope.
The decision to enter into recovery can be an enlightening one but it can also be a scary one as well. Not knowing what to do or where to turn can also be discouraging. It is kind of like a puzzle. No one person knows all of the answers that's for sure. But when you put together other people who have been through much of the same stuff as you have been, one by one they can begin to offer suggestions and little by little the pieces of that puzzle fall into place.

The first time I stopped using I was able to stay in recovery for about 2 months. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was back to square one. Using again. I did this for years sometimes staying away from opiates for longer periods of time but sooner or later I would relapse and the old routine would come back to me. They say certain things are like riding a bicycle, once you learn you don't forget. That is how it was with me and my addiction. I never forgot how to start back up. I always thought I could stay clean for awhile and use again without having any problems. Don't ask me why I thought this because I knew deep down that it wasn't true. The truth was, I was never really ready to give up the drugs that I loved so much.
They brought me comfort, warmth, security and more energy that I could ever hope for. But they took away a lot too. They took away my freedom, my health, my self respect and enabled me to do things I never would of thought I was capable of, not in a million years.

I just want to say that whatever it is, there is hope and there is recovery. It's never easy but it is worth whatever you have to do to find it.
I look forward to hearing from you and reading your story. When you are ready.
Dee


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"I will let yesterday end so that today can begin."
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Tue 10 Jan 2012, 12:56 am

Originally posted by Kj:

Thanks for the words of encouragement Dee. So, here's my story... I am a 38yr old single mother of a 5 year old son whom I love with all my heart. For the last 5 years I have been paid by the state to take care of my disabled mother who lives with me and my son. A little history...When I was 20yrs old I starting using meth. It became a daily habit that lasted for 12 years. In comparison to the people using around me I would call myself a "functioning meth addict". I know that seems hard to believe with all the horror stories out there, and trust me, I know that what I am claiming is NOT the norm for a meth addict. But, I would sleep every night, eat everyday and I owned/ran a small company the entire time. The Magazine I was running was barely breaking even because I was doing the work of at least 5 people and only had 2 other people that helped me get the Magazine out every month. Granted, if it wasn't for the Meth the Magazine would have folded long before it did, because there is no way I would have been able to sustain the work load without it. When I was 32yrs old I had decided I'd had enough.I closed down the Magazine, moved into my parents rental house, and kicked Meth all by myself without treatment or any recovery resources. I attended a few NA, AA and CMA meetings here and there but the religious element of the 12 step program didn't resonate with me. So, I took from it what I wanted ie, change your people, places and things. My b/f of 3 years had been in and out of jail, something I was lucky enough to never have had to experience. Not many meth addicts that have used for as long as I did can say they have never been to jail or even had any run in's with the law. So, when my b/f came out of a court mandated treatment program I told him I wanted a child. Some would say, not the best idea in the world but I wouldn't change it for the world. I knew that my b/f was not "father material". He already had 4 other kids by 4 other women that he had no interest in being a part of their lives. So, when I got pregnant I knew I would be raising my child on my own, and his father would more than likely go back to using. Which he did, so I cut that tie too. He has no contact with my son, his choice.

So, when my son was about 6 months old my mom had a major infection that literally made her go crazy. When my drunken step father didn't notice that there was something really wrong with her I decided she was coming home with me when she was released from the hospital. She has been with us every since. My mom has Severe Rheumatoid Arthritis, osteoporosis, has had breast cancer, cervical cancer and a brain aneurism. That is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to her medical issues. So, needless to say, there is basically a pharmacy in the house. She takes about 15 different medications everyday, including Morphine, Oxycodone and Klonopin. When she first moved in with me if I had any ache or complaint of pain she'd say "honey, go take one of my pain pills". Not that I am blaming her for the position I'm in now, but it doesn't help that every time I try to cut back on the amount of her pills I am taking she sees me going through withdrawals and tells me to take her pills. I am currently taking her entire script of Oxycodone every month, 360 5mg pills. She manages her pain with the Morphine and really doesn't need the Oxycodone. So, please don't think that I take her medication that she needs to control her pain. At the beginning I wasn't out for the high, but being the addict that I am it quickly became a problem. Now I am at the point where I don't get high, I just don't get sick. I have tried quitting cold turkey and that was the worst month of my life! You all are more than familiar with the symptoms I was experiencing. It seemed like it would never end. So, I started up again, I couldn't take the withdrawal symptoms any longer, especially after a month of suffering to no avail. Then I tried tapering off, that didn't work either. Withdrawal soon set in and I was back in hell.

So, I feel like I am trapped in a catch 22. If I do figure out a way to get into a treatment program, I will just come home to the "pharmacy" again. But, what worries me the most is will the state take my mom out of my care, or take my son away if I admit to my Dr that I have this problem in order to get treatment. I don't know what Dr's are required to report in my state (Oregon) and I am terrified that if I ask for help I lose my son, mother and my income. The money the state pays me to take care of her supports all three of us. She gets a little money from SSI every month but not enough to sustain herself let alone the household if I lose my income.

So, that about covers it. Oh, one more thing, I am actually considering starting up the meth again to help me get off the pills because it was a million times easier to kick meth than what I went through trying to kick the pills. So, I am desperate to find a way to get off the pills, not lose my son, mother and income and not find myself back to using meth. PLEASE, ANYONE WITH ANY SUGGESTIONS TO HELP ME FIND MY WAY OUT OF THIS HELL I AM LIVING IN, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO OFFER YOUR THOUGHTS. I am not easily offended so please don't hesitate to ask me any questions or offer any advice. Thank you to any of you who may take the time to read this and offer advice. It will be greatly appreciated....

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Last edited by nannamom on Sun 22 Jan 2012, 11:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Tue 10 Jan 2012, 12:57 am







Karla,
Please whatever you do, don't go back to the Meth. As you already know that is hell on earth. My sons father was a meth addict among several other things. I know it is possible to be a functioning meth addict. I never had the desire to use meth. My ex and I were together for 8 years before I found out about the meth. Call me naive or whatever, I promise you that I did not know. The only experience I had ever had at that point was with pain killers. That was my thing. He came to me one day when he had no money and had ripped off his sources if not for that, I don't know how long it would have went on.
Having only had experience with pain pills I demanded he stop using meth. I thought all he had to do was stop and that was it. He did stop but only with the help of Heroin. We lived in a state where black tar heroin is plentiful and that is what he chose to use to stop using. Again, I had no clue. One thing led to another and soon I was also using heroin.
I'm telling you this because I want you to know that I do understand and I do believe you.
As long as your son is taken care of and your mother as well, I don't see how you can loose them.
I do know that if you are in a drug treatment program such as Methadone or Suboxone it is illegal for DCF or anyone else to discriminate against you. We have a lot of members here that are mothers and fathers. I myself included. Some of us have been to jail and some in residential treatment and no one has come after our children.
Never, has anyone ever told me I was at risk of loosing my son.

As for the part of living in a home where you have a huge selection of opiates at your disposal, you need to figure out a way to keep yourself away from them. Is there anyone else a close friend or family member that can help you with this. Keep them in a lock box or at another location. Have them bring over only the amount that your mother needs for the day. And if she really doesn't need the Oxycontin there really isn't a need to keep them around at all.
You have a great motivator here. Not only your son, your mother but yourself as well. You need to be able to keep yourself around for them. You make a difference in their lives.

You need to find yourself a certified provider, if you are thinking about trying Suboxone.
If your own doctor is not a provider and you have to seek treatment from someone else, I don't see how they would even know that you have a child or know of your circumstances with your mother.
If you are thinking about going into residential treatment do you have someone that could help out with your mother and son?

You have a full life ahead of you no matter what your past may be. I know it may be hard to believe but it is true.
As for treatment with medication, you have two options here. Suboxone and Methadone. Have you thought about either?
There is hope and we do care. Don't give up okay.
Dee

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Barbara Rue

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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Wed 11 Jan 2012, 11:49 pm

Hi Karla,
I'm Barbara. I wrote a long post and this was when my computer decided to configure updates. I'm bummed, but I know the devil will work hard to keep you where you are. I will work equally as hard. Honey, try heretohelp.com. You put in your zip code and they will tell you all of the doctors and clinics. Try to get a doctor rather than a clinic. You have one thing working for you is you are still young unless you want more. Believe me, it only gets harder. Jail, prison, the nut house all waits in the wings. I'm 68 now...probably 80 on the inside. If you are short on cash maybe you could get patient assistance. Where there's a will, there's a way.

I've got to get in bed shortly to get up at four to go to work. You are in good hands here and we do care. Your story is so much like mine...Mother living with me and she's has dementia from breaking her hip last Memorial Day. I use to love my speed and I loved my pain pills until I found out they didn't even like me. I'll be here after six tomorrow. Don't think you are alone. This stopped when you came here.
Be thinking of you all day tomorrow,
Barbara
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Thu 12 Jan 2012, 10:18 am

Karla, the here to help program is a program run by the makers of Suboxone, they do have some good resources. The url to find a provider through them is www.suboxone.com
There is also another resource for finding a certified provider. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is a wealth of information. They also have publications that you can order free of charge where you can learn about Substance abuse, addiction and different programs.
For the treatment locator the link is: http://buprenorphine.samhsa.gov/bwns_locator/
A page will load with a map of the united states. Click on the state that you live in and a list of certified suboxone providers will show. You can sort them by zip code, city or name.

If you need any help with this let us know.
I hope your day is a good one for you. I haven't asked you how you are doing. Is everything okay?
I know that taking care of a loved one can be hard, no matter how much we love our families sometimes we just need someone to talk to. Or a smile sent our way can make the world of difference, so I am sending you a smile this morning. Have a good day Karla.
Dee

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KJ



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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Fri 13 Jan 2012, 3:37 am

Thank You Barbara and Dee,

I found myself at a fork in the road tonight and asked the universe to help me find my way. In passing I thought I'd check in here to see if anyone had replied before I went to bed. I found your messages. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your concern and consideration. The information you have provided is just as valuable as the compassion you have shown. Thank you... I'll try to get some time to sit and respond tomorrow. I hope this finds you well and smiling.

Karla
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Barbara Rue

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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 15 Jan 2012, 12:52 pm

Karla,
How are you? Please don't hibernate and isolate. It's hard to talk to people when you are at your end of feeding the addition. Your old ways wants to dominate and keep you there. You feel safe doing what you are use to even if it is the wrong thing to do. Recovery is strange and unknown. If you will hang in there and get some clean time behind you, it will be easier. The longer you wait to share, the harder it gets. Believe me, I know. I was a hard head and it took me until I was getting old and going to die or change. This last detox almost took me down. It was months before I felt like I was out of danger. You can't use until you feel like you are ready to stop. Many people have died trying to detox. Please let us hear from you. You may have posted in another area and if you have, I'm glad for you. If you haven't, please do.
Yours in the struggle,
Barbara
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Mon 16 Jan 2012, 12:48 pm

Hi Karla,
I am a single mother of a 2 year old, I started using pain pills after I gave birth and realized they helped with my post partum depression (didn't find that out until recently) so since I had a pain pill habit prior to becoming pregnant naturally I was hooked again, but this time quitting was impossible. I knew I needed help and I knee suboxone was the answer, however my son's father, afraid of losing me (he is an addict too) told me if I went to a Dr and told my story he would call CPS and have my child taken away. I found out only recently that was just a tactic to scare me, he was afraid if I sobered up I would leave, he also was using all of his money on pills so he wasn't paying out med ins, had I gone to the dr I wouldve found out. I started getting suboxone from a friend and took it for about 2 years, I finally left my son's father in October.
Because we started going to court to fight for custody I knew that I could no longer take suboxone without a prescription, but I was still afraid if I went to anyone for help that they would think I was a bad mother and take my son away. I finally came clean to my mother and she helped me find an outpatient rehab, I go there once a week for group counseling, individual counseling and suboxone. It has been a Godsend, it is also completly confidential, as long as you are getting help the right way they will not take your son, they also said that they would write a letter to the courts saying how well I was doing if I needed it. They also suggested that I was self medicating for depression and prescribed me an antidepressent in hopes that that would work and I could come off the suboxone when I was ready.
Don't be afraid to get help, given both options, seeing a dr to get off pills or taking meth to get off pills, I don't think I have to tell you which one a loving mother would choose.
Good luck with everything, I hope that you can get help and that it works out for you, just don't be afraid and dont try to do it by using meth, that's just your addiction talking.
Lauren
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Barbara Rue

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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Tue 17 Jan 2012, 10:36 pm

Hi Guys and Gals,

Hope we all are living large and in charge. If you're not, you'll get that way if you will do a simple, but hard lesson. Life is real, no retakes, no do overs, it's a one time thing. You can start over as many times as you can, but time gone by is gone by. I thought I could live my life my way. My way got me in I.C.U. on Christmas morning. Shaken, scared and empty of anything worthwhile. Wanting a drug fix so bad and wanting to be well enough to walk out of the place so I could go get right. What a mess a mess I'd made of my best thinking. You who have your babies are to be honorably considered awesome. It takes a lot to care for a child and carry on with your demons and not let them go missing. I gave my daughter up for adoption so there was no way she would be caught up in my useless life. A teacher and engineer who gave her all she wanted. When I found her thirty five years later, she was shooting dope in her neck and turning tricks for a pimp. So you never know if you have done the right thing or made the right choices. All I went through got me where I am today. Happy, contented, and can smile at myself. Life isn't a given. I have to do certain things to have the right outcome. It still rains, turns cold and miserable. One thing I know, the suns coming out and going to shine til I'm warm. If you're messed up, get right. In thirty days you can have your life going your way as you work to find a better life. Take it from someone who wishes every morning I had done this years ago. You young ones, even middle aged do yourselves a big favor and don't ride this out until you can't get any lower. I wish you the best and will give you a hand and heart felt messages to help lead you out.
Yours in the struggle,
Barbara
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Thu 19 Jan 2012, 9:30 pm

Thank you Barbara for such a heart filled post. I hope it helps someone along the way, all we can do is share out experiences and hope that it will touch just one more person.
It is not easy your right.
I think sometimes when people first go into recovery, (not all but some) they have a picture of perfect. There is nothing wrong with seeing a life that you want for yourself but it is in no way going to be perfect. This is what normal is all about. It is about feeling the hurt, instead of numbing it. It is about feeling the cold and knowing to put on a jacket.
Most of all it is surviving whatever life throws out way whether it be good or bad, handling life on it's terms without picking up a pill bottle or grabbing a needle to make it right.
Waking up every morning knowing it is one more day that we didn't pick up. This is what we celebrate.
Have a good day to all and remember, if you stumble it is okay. No body expects you to be perfect, all you can do is be the best that you can be.

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Barbara Rue

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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sat 21 Jan 2012, 7:09 pm

Real good incite Dee. It's the weekend, this seemed to be the hardest time of the week. This was my favorite time of the week to get messed up and feel Monday remorse. Now I don't think of what time of the week it is. It doesn't matter if I'm at home on a Saturday night. I'm happy just hanging out with myself. I hope all of you are doing okay and have your heads in the right place.
Love,
Barbara
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KJ



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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 22 Jan 2012, 3:11 am

First of all, I want to thank all of you that took the time to read my story and add your thoughts and encouragement to this thread. I have a lot to admit and a lot that I am not so proud of. I am doing everything in my power to find my "exit door" without letting it effect those that are dependent on me. ie, my son and my disabled mother. I know all of you read my story and all of you said, "don't go back to the Meth, it is just your addiction talking". Well.... guess what I've done! First, the positives... I haven't smoked cigs in two days, and I have cut my (25+ 5mg Oxycodone a day) addiction down to 8 5mg Oxycodone a day.

I know that the way I am doing it, ie Meth, is wrong and counter productive! I KNOW THIS!!! I am smoking a small bowl, which is nothing compared to what I used to do, of Meth in the morning and then I leave it alone till the next morning. I don't take as many pills, nor do I have the SEVERE withdrawal symptoms that I had the last time I tried to quit the pills and I am grateful for that! I know that Meth is it's own evil and is SOOOOO not the way I should be handling this, but I don't know what else to do! I know that when I quit doing Meth, after 12 years, it took me 2 weeks of sleeping and feeling like shit to "kick" it. I can deal with that! When I tried to "kick" the pills I spent over a month sitting on the couch feeling like shit, not sleeping, not eating, not feeling human and I still didn't feel well. I, thankfully, had a friend at the time that I trusted with my son, so that I could try and kick on my own... it didn't work. Now, I don't have the luxury of that "friend" to take my son so that I can get clean this time! I have no one. I am stuck in a house with a virtual Pharmacy of Morphine, Oxycodone, and sleeping pills at my disposal, with a Mother that says "Honey, take one of my pills if you don't feel good" anytime I try to "quit". I don't want to use Meth to get off off this deadly track I am on. But, it feels like I am waiting for my Mother to die before I have the option to get clean. There is NO ONE else to care for my mother besides me, if I wanted to go into treatment there is NO ONE to care for my disabled Mother AND my son in order for me to take care of ME! The worst thought I have ever had is that, "I can't take care of ME until Mom is dead and I no longer have access to the pills"!

I knew when I quit Meth that I had to sever all ties with people, places and things that would trigger me to use again. I knew that, and I did that! Then Mom got sick, I had to take her, knowing that she came with a pharmacy of addictive drugs. How could I say no? How could I leave her in the care of my alcoholic step-father that didn't even notice when she would get so sick she required medical attention? How could I?? I had already robbed her of the 12 years of my life when I was on Meth, now that I was clean, how could I turn her away when she needed me the most? I knew it was bad for me, I knew it would compromise the sobriety that I had wanted for so many years, but it's my MOM! Who among you can say that you would turn your Mom away when she needed help because she threatened your sobriety to have you take care of her? WHO!?!?!

I am devastated that I have picked up the Meth pipe in order to deal with my situation. I am devastated that it has actually allowed me to cut back on the Oxy's without the withdrawal in order to attempt to kick them. I am devastated that it has allowed me to quit smoking cigs because a few years ago I was diagnosed with Asthma! I am devastated that my Son, the one person that I wanted more than drugs, is having to see his Mom on Meth, (unknowingly)... because she feels like she has no other choice! DEVASTATED! I want to see/find the "exit door"! I DO NOT want to fall back into doing Meth as a solution to this shit storm my addictive tendencies have gotten me into.

I DO NOT want to be "that mom" that you see on the news who has her child taken away from her because she is a drug addict. I am hopeless. I am destroyed. I don't know how to maintain taking care of my mother (along with her pharmacy of meds) and stay sober. I don't EVER want my son to look back on his childhood and think, "If only my mom wasn't a drug addict...". I have asked for help from one of my 3 brothers, told him the truth about everything, and all he says is "I will do what I can when you are ready, But, I can't do anything for you right now because I have my own life to worry about." I want to go talk to my doctor about Suboxone, I want to get off of all drugs and live a sober life, I want more than anything to give my son the childhood that he deserves. I just don't feel like I have the support that I need in order to do this! I don't know how to approach my Dr. in a way that won't cause her to have to turn me in for taking my mom's narcotics and essentially putting her and my 5yr old son in danger. I will not risk losing them in order to get clean. I know that I am not the person I need to be to provide my son and Mother with the best life I can. I know that everything I am doing is wrong...but I don't know what else to do. I don't have the tools. I don't know any other way. I grew up in an alcoholic household where my parents thought it was cool to smoke pot with us kids. I feel like my foundation is destructive beyond the norm. I feel like I don't have the tools to get myself out of this "situation" on my own. I don't have anyone willing to invest their time into helping/supporting me. I know right from wrong, but it feels like the deck is stacked against me. I want sobriety, I want a good home for my son, I want to feel good and have a productive life. But, I've been a drug addict since I was 20yrs old. I'm 38!

I have downloaded and read books like "Pill-Billies", "Pill Heads", "Suboxone Treatment Stories", "One Patient, One Dr, One Year", I know that Suboxone is the closest thing I've got to an Exit Door. I just don't know how to get there. If I tell my Dr that I need drug treatment she must be obligated to turn me into DEA for putting my disabled Mother in danger by taking her pills. Not to mention the possibility of them deciding that my son is in danger too. I have NO ONE to help me, I have NO SUPPORT, I have NOBODY to turn to to help me out of this! If I only had ONE person that I could count on, If there was ONE person I could trust with my Mom and My Son, OHHHH the things I could accomplish.

Ok, So I've done the "Whoa is ME" bit, I've expressed the hopelessness of my situation, I have made it clear that I have no one to count on for support. NOW WHAT?! PLEASE, HELP ME FIND THE EXIT DOOR! PLEASE, JUST PUSH ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, PLEASE GIVE ME AN IDEA THAT I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF TO HELP ME GET OUT OF THE HOPELESS ABYSS I HAVE PUT MYSELF IN. PLEASE! I don't know what else to say.... just PLEASE. Please...

I have shed a lot of tears just writing this, I have shed a lot of tears living this way, I have shed a lot of tears trying to find the "Exit Door". I feel like all I know how to do is shed hopeless tears and be an addict. I... I... I...

Regardless of what you beautiful, healthy women have to offer in the way of help, I hope that you all can remember what it was like to feel like I feel, and to be where I am, and to know that you have found your "Exit Door". You found your way out, and you were successful. Please know that I envy each and every one of you and I wish I knew the Peace and Love that you know. Love your support system and thank them again just for me. Tell them that you couldn't have done "IT" without them and tell them how grateful you are to have them. Because there are people out here that don't have the support of family or friends that give a fuck enough to help them out of their situations and you know how valuable they were to your recovery. I appreciate each and everyone of you for trying to help me, and I will take all of the advice that you offer. I hope to see you all on the other side.....sooner rather than later.

Karla
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 22 Jan 2012, 5:17 pm

Karla,
There is hope for you. As long as you have a breath in your body and the will and want to succeed, there is hope.
While picking up the pipe is not the ideal solution to your problem I do understand the need for some kind of relief.

You do have people who care about you. You have the people on this forum that have reached out to you. I know it is not the same as having someone right there with you, someone you can just walk next door and sit and talk with them. But we are here and we are not going anywhere.

After again reading your story and then what you wrote this morning, I felt so frustrated that I haven't been of more help to you. What can I do for you? I racked my brain for a solution. And I remembered a contact that I have in the state of Washington. I figured it was worth a shot to contact him and see what if anything he can do or recommend to you.

I am sending you an email. He believes he is able to help you. I have his contact information for you and will send it in the email. Please get in contact with him. He is a professional and good at what he does. I have referred to him in the past. He is also a member of this forum and knows your story.
All I ask is that you contact him and reach out and let him help.
Be honest about everything including your mom and your son. Please trust me on this okay.

I have a few words to say about your brother, well really more than a few but none of them are nice words so I don't think I need to elaborate. Telling you that he will help you "when you are ready" then telling you that he cannot because he has his own life to worry about. This is not only your mother that needs his help it is also his mother.

I came across a saying today. It read "Stay safe, not strong" There are some women who put everyone before their own needs, the ones who usually are left to do what no body else will, can, or wants to do. I have a feeling you are one of these women. The burdens that you carry are multiple and it is time to yes, take care of you.
As I said before, we are here and we aren't going anywhere. Please check that email.
Make the call.
Keep me posted on how you are doing okay. Don't give up because you DO have an exit.
Dee

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IrishEyes82



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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 22 Jan 2012, 5:22 pm

Hi Karla,
My main reason for not getting help was that I was also afraid that the Dr would report me and that my son would get taken away, so I started getting suboxone from a friend, I justified it in my mind that it was ok. You seem very worried that a Dr will call the authorities and have your loved ones takes, what if you get arrested for buying meth? I am not trying to scare you, but I did the same thing with the suboxone not realizing that the consequences for getting ot off the st would be grater than going to the dr and doing it the legit way. I also want you to think about this, drug addiction has no boundries, the man that runs group counseling at the outpatient clinic I go to told us that they have patients who are mothers, fathers, lawyers. doctors etc etc, it is all anonymous, I am in the middle of a custody case right now and they assured me that it was anonymous but if it went to court the judge would NOT take away my child as long as I was in treatment and successful at it. Have you googled suboxone dr or suboxone clinics in your area? If you haven't start with that, then call a few places anonymously and discuss with the all of your concerns, they also don't need to know that you are caring for your mother and that's how you are getting pills, down the road I think it would be helpful as part of your treatment, but right now the most important thing is you taking the 1st step and finding help that you are comfortable with.
I have said many of the same things that you are saying, "I will quit when" "I would stop if I had this" etc, that is your addiction talking. To be honest with you, you saying you would be able to quit when your mother passes is not going to work, because then the excuse will be I am using because I am grieving her death. I said the same thing, my son't father was an addict, I thought once I left him that quitting would be easy (I was trying to quit suboxone that I used to get off opiates) then once I left my next line was "I will quit once things start getting easier as a single mother" then it was "I will quit when I get a job" Guess what, I didn't quit until I got my butt out there and got help. My Dr is great and knows that I want to quit the suboxone but it letting me do it at my own pace and giving me the tools to live life without drugs. I know that suboxone is different from meth, but I hope you understand addiction is addiction, I understand how you are feeling because even though it's a different situation, I am still a mother who is an addict, I feel your pain and I know your worries.
Take one day at a time, 1st step google suboxone dr or clinics in your area, please let me know what you come up with and I will try and help you with the next step. I felt alone until I found this website, and I hope that we can help you on here. Take one day at a time and just remember what is the most important thing in your life, your son.
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KJ



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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 22 Jan 2012, 9:19 pm

Thanks again you guys. Every word helps me get one step closer to answers to all my questions and concerns. In doing all the research lately I came across a facility in my community that offers The Provita Program. Has anyone heard of this, or had any experience with this?

Thanks again for all your kindness and concern.

Karla
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Sun 22 Jan 2012, 10:38 pm

Karla,
The Provita program offers Vivitrol. Which is actually Naltrexone. Naltrexone was first approved for the treatment of alcoholism. Later on it was approved for the treatment of opiate addiction. It is nothing like Suboxone or Methadone.

Vivitrol is actually an injection and is used along with counseling and social support to help people stop drinking. While it has shown great success with alcohol, I don't personally know anyone who used to successfully for opiate addiction. In most cases it is most recommended for people who have already gone through detox. I haven't been able to find any long term studies with opiate addiction and Vivitrol. Most cases are only followed 6-8 weeks after starting the medication.

Before starting Vivitrol I would do a lot of research on it. Anything that you chose in regards to your recovery is always up to you and we will be here to support you anytime that you need us.
Maybe someone else here on the forum has had some experience with it and can tell you a little more about it.
Did you get the email that I sent. I did re-send it so hopefully you were able to get it.
Dee




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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Mon 23 Jan 2012, 10:38 am

Hello Karia,

My name is Beth & I first wanted to welcome you to the forum & to let you know that I have just completed reading your thread with Dee & Barbara (two beautiful women with hearts as large as the universe, as well as full of great advice!!) & I wanted to let you know that I can fully relate to your concerns about being an addict while having children to tend to as well.  Unfortunately, I cannot post long right now due to having to leave for class here within the next half an hour, but did want to let you know that you are receiving great advice from the people that have posted back to your story & that I can also fully  comprehend that fear that you are experiencing about losing your child by admitting that you are an addict.  I also went through that same emotional fight within before finally just deciding that no matter what, I could NOT go on as I was or I wasn't going to be here to even be a good Mother or anyone, for that matter.  I was going to die from my ever growing addiction to these pills.  Just something to ponder until I can write again, but your provider (if you should try out the Suboxone program) does NOT need to know about your son, nor your Mother, nor where your pills have been coming from-- he/she ONLY needs to know that you WANT help to get clean.  You can address the other issues with your counselor who is bound to confidentiality, unless you would happen to be a threat to yourself or anyone else & that certainly does NOT seem like the issue at hand in your situation.  You DESERVE to take care of YOU first & although I have felt the very same way that you are now, I realize that without getting that help, I wouldn't be here today to be able to share my story with you.  I hope that you are having a good day today & I will be back in contact as soon as possible since I have to run out the door this morning...  I really just wanted to let you know how glad that I am that you have found this forum & that you will only receive the best of advice & encouragement along your path of recovering.  I truly understand many of your fears & hopefully once I can tell you a bit more about my story, it may help alleviate some of that fear that you are enduring within during this time of inner battle.  I will definitely be thinking of you today & until we "chat" again, may you live in peace while knowing that there TRULY IS A WAY OUT (an "Exit" sign) & that we are all living proof of that here on this forum.

Thinking of you,
Beth
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lilgirllost



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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Mon 23 Jan 2012, 1:52 pm

Hi Karla. My name is RuthAnn. I help moderate our sister site METHADONE: A Flicker of Light in the Dark. I'm also a methadone patient, not a suboxone patient, but I've been reading and following your posts and I wanted to reply.

When I first read your post, my heart went out to you. There aren't a lot of similarities in our stories/situations, but something struck a chord in me about you so I've been following along and rooting for you! Before I say what I want to tell you though, I want to remind you that you said "PLEASE, ANYONE WITH ANY SUGGESTIONS TO HELP ME FIND MY WAY OUT OF THIS HELL I AM LIVING IN, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO OFFER YOUR THOUGHTS. I am not easily offended so please don't hesitate to ask me any questions or offer any advice". I say that because I will speak the truth to people. While I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings and such, sometimes I end up saying things the wrong way and/or sometimes it's just a matter of "the truth hurts" and do end up upsetting someone. I never want to ever hurt someone's feelings or upset them, but having dealt with addiction myself I know that time shouldn't be wasted pussy footing around or sugar coating the truth, & sometimes hearing someone actually tell you the truth is enough to finally break through that "wall of protection" we as addicts put around ourselves. I will tell you how I see it but sometimes it come out the wrong way. SO! I am holding you to your disclaimer before I ever even get started! lol!

One of my first thoughts after reading these posts are that I have to agree w/Irisheyes. You say you are worried about going to a doctor and/or clinic and telling them about your situation and then getting turned over to CPS or what have you and losing your son because you are in treatment. I would be more worried about getting caught w/the meth, being caught buying meth, or being caught smoking meth because you will DEFINATElY lose your son that way. I would be more concerned about that worrying about losing my son because I was in treatment.

Any clinic, hospital or doctor you go to, as long as they don't think your son is in danger or you are in danger of hurting yourself, they aren't going to involve CPS just because you are there for treatment and admitting to having an addiction. There are women who have given birth to babies while on methadone (myself included) and of course the doctors and the hospital knew about it, but they do NOT call CPS for things like that. IF (and that's a BIG if) CPS somehow did got invovled, as long as you are in a treatment program and are trying to legitimately do the program, they are not going to take your son away.

So THAT shouldn't be a reason for not going forward with treatment.

The other thing you were talking about was the reality of having all those meds around of your mom's. Again, I am on methadone not suboxone but I think it works the same way and if it doesn't, anyone out there please add to or correct me on this. But when I started methadone treatment and the cravings were gone, I no longer even wanted the pills. Right now I have morphine, hyrdrocodone and oxycodone in my house and I even have a 3 month old percodan script from kidney stone surgery that I haven't even filled! Before I was on methdone, that stuff wouldn't have lasted 2 days in my house but because I don't crave anymore, it's not really an issue. Not to mention, (again I don't know for sure if it works this way w/suboxone or not) but the methadone "blocks" any other opiates that I take so that even if I took them, it doesn't give me a buzz or make me high. Because of this it's not even worth it to me to bother taking them. I would have to have a dose large enough to treat an elephant before I MIGHT get some kind of buzz and if we are talking vicodin, percodan or oxies, by the time you took an amount large enough to give you any kind of thing close to a buzz, you would end up OD'd or puking your guts up.

ALSO, would there be someone you could get to help you with this? I think irisheyes also said something about this but is your mom capable of locking them in a lockbox and keeping you out of them that way? I know you said she has some disabilities and you don't really say how bad they are but if she is mentally ok, talk to her and tell her you want to stop taking the pills and you need her help to do so. Then try the lockbox thing. If your moms isn't able to do that, is there a friend or relative who you could ask them to keep them locked up for you? Again, like Irisheyes also said, if your mom doesn't need the oxies, why even get the script filled?

Does your mom know that you are smoking the meth and abusing her pain meds?

I've not had personal experience w/meth other than my brother being addicted to it and abusing it. But one addiction is no different from any other and it all boils down to one thing, it's kind of an inappropriate saying but I can think of nothing else that works as good but my dad use to always say "you either gotta poop or get off the pot". You have GOT to make that concious decision that you are going to get help and then go do it.

You sound to me like you are trying tp avoiding it as long as you can. You are making excuses as to why you can't go right now (they may call CPS, you may lose your son, they may file charges for taking your moms meds etc....)You've got to stop making the excuses and GO FOR IT.

Dee said something about she feels like you are one of those ppl who put everyone elses needs above your own and I agree with her there because you do seem to be that kind of person. But on the same token, by neglecting YOU right now, there is going to come a time when you fail your mom and/or your son because you've finally reached your rock bottom in some form (arrested, OD'd, injured, sick from complications) and then you CAN'T take care of them anymore and then there is no one to take care of them. So you have got to take care of yourself too so that you can be around and healthy enough to take care of them.

I admire you for being a single mom, taking care of your mom and doing all you can to make sure they are taken care of. But I think right now, the best thing you could do for ALL three of you is to stop procrastinating and GO GET SOME TREATMENT! ; )

I am sorry if I sounded harsh or like I was trying to give you a hard time but I promise that wasn't my intentions at all. I meant it when I said something about you and your story struck a chord in me. I even sent Dee and email telling her the same thing several days after your first posting. So please don't feel like that was my intentions here.
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KJ



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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Tue 24 Jan 2012, 4:30 am

Well, I have to admit...RuthAnn, that was exactly what I needed to hear. But, before I get into that I have to first thank Dee for reaching out to her contact in Washington. I have only sent two emails to your friend, but what he has said so far offers me more hope than I have ever had.

That being said... I AM TERRIFIED! For the last few hours I have been feeling a growing heat and concern inside me. It began to occur to me that I may not be able to allow my "auto pilot" to kick in every morning anymore. That voice that always says, "What are you going to do to alter yourself today?" I kicked Meth after 12 years of use all by myself. That was a bad idea... it gave me a false sense of self. Surprise, surprise my addiction has misled me again! I need help, I need to know how to rewire my mind and thoughts, I have to stop making excuses and pussy footing around this. Stop talking and start doing. RuthAnn, you too have struck a chord with me too, and I thank you for that.

I have so much more that I want to say but, Mom is calling... Thanks again Ladies, I will keep you posted.

Karla
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lilgirllost



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PostSubject: Re: A little desperate A LOT done! Open to any help or advice that may help save my life...    Tue 24 Jan 2012, 5:20 pm

Karla,
It's a relief to know that you didn't take offense or get your feelings hurt by what I said in my post. I really do want you to get through this and as cheesy as it may sound, you have GOT to take that first step. It's scary, I know, no one wants to get out of our comfort zone, even when we know our comfort zone is dangerous and harming us. We are scared of the unknown, but on this one, you must trust the rest of us when we tell you that you have got to go get some help.

I don't normally recommend Opiate Replacement Therapy for every addict. I know some ppl will disagree with me here, but I think you should try non medication treatment first, and maybe even more than once, but at least once to see if you can do it that way. (you obviously have and it didn't work) If that doesn't work, then I recommend trying suboxone or methadone. I haven't been on subxone myself so all I can tell you about is the methadone side of things, but it gave me my life back. It may not have been how I originally wanted it (to be totally drug free and/or to be able to kick it without medication maintenance) but it was a heck of a lot better than what I was doing before. Depending on which method of ORT you choose, there are pros and cons to both. Sit down and decide which is best for you and just GO FOR IT!

We are all here for you and we will help you through this but you've got to do it. You owe it to your son, your mom and yourself to get this addiction under control. And by control I don't mean what we addicts tend to disollusion ourselves with and be what we think may count as a "functioning addict" or a "functioning alcoholic", there is no such thing. You need the help of a doctor and some form of counseling (either from your ORT clinic counselor, or a therapist on your own or even some form of group therapy session or 12 step type program) and get on the road to REAL management of your addiction.

We are all rooting for you so please keep us posted on what's going on and do not hesitate to share your feelings and/or questions with the group. That is what we are striving for with these forums is to be a place where we can help each other.

Hang in there and know we are here for you.

RuthAnn
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