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 I need help & I am scared

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livelovelaugh

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Sun 11 Nov 2012, 9:23 am

Good morning. Just a quick question.....

In my search for a new doctor, should I not tell them about my neck/pain problem? I don't want to hit the same road block.
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Blue Eyes
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Sun 11 Nov 2012, 10:39 am

Hello

I honestly don't see how that was a problem with the first clinic.

Like I've said, the majority of people that are addicted to pain meds are addicted
because they have pain issues.

Think about this:
Tell them the problems with your neck and tell them you have exhausted all other options
are far as relieving the pain. In fact, tell them your not sure you even need the pain pills
anymore for PAIN ISSUES, but you can't stop on your own.

How does that sound??

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livelovelaugh

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Sun 11 Nov 2012, 7:16 pm

That sounds great. Thank you. I to am not clear as to how pain would have been the issue. But she said she wanted me to see a pain management specialist first to get my pain "under control" before I could start the suboxone. Like I said, therapeutic massage (from physical therapy) & stretching from yoga will really be all I need to feel better. I just know it. I will definitely use the approach you suggested. I would rather not leave any information out about myself with the sub doctor because I feel I wouldn't be getting the maximum benefit from the program. I really appreciate your suggestions. Thanks again Smile
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Sun 11 Nov 2012, 11:20 pm

I am glad to hear that you are planning on taking the honest road here. Part of recovery has to be about honesty

In some cases pain medication can make pain worse- Some people experience what is called "Opioid induced hyperalgesia" which can be caused by long term use of opioids. Not only can a person develop a tolerance to medication but they can also get to the point that the more pain medication they take the more sensitive to pain they become. (see the link below) I have a question about your husband if that is okay. How is he going to quit taking pills? Does he also plan on taking Suboxone or does he have another plan? I hope you don't mind my asking. I did read where you said he does everything you do and I was just wondering.
Tomorrow is another day and don't worry, you will be able to find the right doctor for you.


Here is some information on Hyperalgesia, I do have some more information if you would like to read it. Just let me know.

http://www.integration.samhsa.gov/pbhci-learning-community/Opioid-Induced_Hyperalgesia_Article.pdf

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livelovelaugh

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Mon 12 Nov 2012, 9:24 am

Good morning, I'll have to say that your question about my husband caught me off guard. I love him so much that my heart hurt for a moment at the thought of his pill situation. I can start off by telling you that he doesn't take as much as i do & he hasn't been taking them for more than a year. He says he can take them or leave them. When I run out of my pills, he gives me whatever he has & goes without for days, sometimes weeks. If the pills are not easily available, he will not seek out more. That's what he says & that's what I've seen, but my heart hurts I guess from fear. I know how these pills can grab you & because he's never had to go more than a couple of weeks without them, there is no sure way to know whether or not he will be able to stop the way he says. Only time will tell. He's is very stubborn & worried about our finances. So that seems to give him the drive to not take the pills. I ask him how he is feeling when he goes without them, he says he feels crappy yet he still is able to go to work & take care of lifes daily necessities where I can't. Our focus is on me to get away from the meds. I am the one who gets the pills, so when I stop, the pills won't be around anymore. He will not be starting suboxone as of now. We have a very open relationship and I am very observant. I say this because I will have to see how he is without the pills and if professional help is needed. He is a very strong person, but again, only time will tell.
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livelovelaugh

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 13 Nov 2012, 12:40 pm

I did it. I found a treatment center that I am semi-comfortable with. Wow...I am scared. It's a about an hour away which is actually best since my chances of running into a customer or anybody I know will be slim. There is no waiting list. I am to go into withdrawals. Once I'm in very bad shape, I need to go to the emergency room to get admitted for detox. I will recieve inpatient care anywhere from 2 to 5 days on suboxone. Once I am detoxed and stabilized I go home with a script for sub. Then I need to go twice a week to 1 hour scheduled meetings. This seems more doable. I'm a nervous wreck. I have to get my ducks in a row & talk a few things over with my husband & try to get him some help with the store & our son while I'm gone. So I plan on going in no later Thursday morning. Thats the absolute latest. This is it.
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 13 Nov 2012, 7:54 pm

I'm SO proud of you !!!!
I know it's scary but you will NOT regret this. I'm sure the inpatient care wont last more than
2 days since I felt great after the first day. I should think you will too.

Keep us posted and good luck !

Your getting your life back ~

Blue

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livelovelaugh

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 13 Nov 2012, 10:01 pm

Thank You! I'm very happy to hear that I may not be there for the 5 days. I must admit I was struggling with the idea of starting treatment so soon. I was worried about how I would feel on Black Friday. You see, I only have 4 employees & I'm extending the hours that day from 6am to 7pm. I've had my store for 5 years and I know how insanely busy we are going to be. It's not just an average Christmas rush. It is a discount store & I suffer from severe anxiety every year on this day. I only have 1 cash register....well, I'm sure you get the point. I was thinking I should wait until after Black Friday just so I know I can handle it on my pills for sure. But then I thought. If I start treatment now, I should be stabilized by then. There is a very good chance that I will be perfectly fine. So, I enlisted my husband and friend to come to work with me so I'm not alone. I mean, my employees will be there, but they don't know what I am going through, so if they come with me, they know what I am going through so they can help if I need to walk away & take a break. I am so lucky to have such loving, supportive people in my life. And I owe a great deal of gratitude to the wonderful moderators on this site. Not only are you guys supportive & encouraging, but also very knowledgeable. I honestly feel I'd be lost at this point if you weren't there for me. So THANK YOU! AGAIN!
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livelovelaugh

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Wed 14 Nov 2012, 10:26 am

I apologize for so many posts. I'm getting closer to my last pill and I'm stressing. I want to make sure I'm in bad withdrawals for them to admit me into treatment (I have to go to the emergency room with stomach cramps, diarrhea, bad shape.....I was planning on my last pill at 8pm. The hospital is an hour away & I was planning on leaving 9:00 the latest (after my son gets on the bus). I'm owrried that I may not be that deep into withdrawals. Maybe I should take my last pill at 6pm to play it safe? I think I'm just rambling...scared
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nannamom
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Wed 14 Nov 2012, 1:26 pm

That IS awesome news and I am very happy for you. Don't worry about the amount of pots that you make. It is normal to be and we want you to feel like you are able to reach out and GET the support that you need.
We don't care how many posts you have to make, if it helps then that is what you should do.
I do agree with doing this sooner rather than later. Once the opportunity presents itself, go for it.
We will be here anytime you need us.
I take it that you are working today right? Take it at work, being at work will keep you busy and you may not feel all that bad if you are working. Ours minds work in mysterious ways the busier we are the less we tend to feel things. If you are just sitting around doing nothing, your mind is going to drive you batty.

Take a deep breath and take things as they come. Let us know if we can help.
Dee

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livelovelaugh

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Wed 14 Nov 2012, 2:12 pm

Yes, I am working in my office doing paperwork. I am so backed up & I didn't feel I'd be able to fucus at my store, so I'm buried in my office catching up on paperwork I fell so far behind on. I must say...I am very excited as well as scared. My last pill will be no later than 4pm. I'm ready, this is it! I am focussing on the positive aspects. This is the last time I will have to go through withdrawals. When I got my pills from my "so-called" friend, I cried as I was driving home. I prayed that is was the last dime I'd spend on these stupid blue little monsters. I will feel happy every time I make a full deposit at the bank! I will have more time in the day to rebuild my business & reorganize my home & life. I can't wait. Yes I'm dreading the withdrawals, but as I mentioned before....being honest with my husband & friend & joining this forum is the best decision I've made in years. I'm actually looking forward to the group meetings. I'm sure there are a lot of wonderful people there I may be able to help in some small way as well. Once I've gained experiences I may be able to offer support to others on this site as well. By the way...My husband wants me to thank you for him. He's very fond of what you are doing to help people like me/us I don't know if I'll be up to another post later, but I will post as soon as I can.
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Thu 15 Nov 2012, 6:59 am

I know there are lots of emotions your feeling now. (well, now your probably feeling
withdrawals)
All this will be behind you soon and you'll be starting your new, drug free life.

Your husband sounds sweet, and tell him, "YOUR WELCOME" and that we will stand
by you and support you through this whole journey !!


Good luck today ! Keep us posted if you can



Blue

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Thu 15 Nov 2012, 1:44 pm

you have so much positive energy coming from you and it makes me smile more than you could ever know. To be able to give back into recovery what so many before you have given it such a great feeling. You will soon have that feeling.
You have already taken the hardest steps and although being in withdrawal is not something that anyone wants to go through it is something that has to be done.
Once you take your first dose of Suboxone you will start to feel better though. It may take a couple of doses depending on how far along you are into your withdrawal but it will be so worth it.
I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster that you are on right now. Hang in though, you are strong and can make it through this.
Your husband is more than welcome.
We only want you to succeed and will do whatever we can do be here for you.
When you are able to get on here and talk to us, we will be waiting.
Good luck and remember you have us with you every step of the way

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Fri 16 Nov 2012, 2:16 pm

Good afternoon,
Just a quick check in to let you know that we are thinking of you today and everyday after. Good luck, you CAN do this

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Mon 19 Nov 2012, 4:18 pm

I'm back........I made it! I honestly thought I was going to die. I took my last oxy on Wed. @ 3pm. I didn't have to though. I still had a few pills left, but I was so afraid of precipitated withdrawal that I wanted to play it safe. I ended up not getting any relief until about 6pm on thursday. It may not seem like a long time, but at the time, 15 min felt like 3 hours. I was in pure hell. I entered a detox program which was in a hospital. My induction was 2mg every hour up to a total of 8mgs. I finally got relief though. They keep the dosage low & start you off on 4-2mg suboxone (2mg an hour) the first day. The 2nd day I got 3-2mg suboxone all at once (fortunately it was the films & not the pills). The 3rd day I got 2-2mg films & the 4th day I got 1-2mg (that was yesterday). They also gave other meds to help with the withdrawals. Chlonidine ( I didn't get too often because I have low blood pressure), a muscle relaxer, motrin, vestoril for anxiety. I was comfortable for the most part. I suffered mostly from anxiety which is a big factor for me right now. They only gave me enough suboxone for 4 days @ 2-mg a day & vestoril for my anxiety (which they compared to benadryl). Now that I am home I need to find a suboxone DR that takes my insurance (back to square one). I went through the list you were so kind to share with me but I din't have any luck. Either they're not accepting new patients, there is a 4 to 8 week waiting list, or they are inpatient only. Fortunately, the detox recovery at the hospital seems to be trying to help me. I asked them about their outpatient services & they said it may be too far for me to travel for my meetings which could be 5 days a week. I told them......so be it! I'll do whatever it takes. Naturally, I'd much rather not have to travel, but if they are the only place, I gotta do what I gotta do Smile I'm still feeling a bit sickly, but very tolerable. I'm very nervous about black friday at my store, but you've heard that enough. I am glad I did it. This may sound strange, but I'm sort of glad I stopped the pills sooner & allowed myself to suffer the conseguences of my actions. I will never forget the torment & the humiliation I went through for 28 hours. If that doesn't deter me, then I don't know what will Wink I appreciate your word of encouragement & support. I mentioned this sight to one of the counselors (who also is a recovering addict) and she was very impressed. I told her that it gave me information, encouragement, & strength. It's an important part of my recovery & I don't know where I would be without your help. I wanted to share that with her, so I hope you don't mind, but you may start getting overloaded with new members! LOL I can't thank you enough & I will keep you updated on my progress.
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Mon 19 Nov 2012, 7:02 pm

YEA !!!! Your back !
I was waiting and waiting to hear from you !
I'm so glad it went well and it's all behind you. YOU DID IT !!!!!!!!
I thought they were going to supply the Sub Dr for you ? Maybe I misunderstood that part.
Listen, I'm going to send you a private message because I need some information
that I'm not going to ask you for here.

So glad your out of active addiction !

Stay in touch and keep us posted !

Blue

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 20 Nov 2012, 11:58 am

Like Blue, I had thought they were going to manage your Suboxone for you. It may be because they were going to give you some for home so I assumed they would be your provider.
Even though I knew where you were I was still worried about you. It doesn't take long to start thinking of our members as family so the worry comes natural.
You did a great job and you will find a provider. So don't give up.

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 20 Nov 2012, 3:09 pm

Hello, I wasn't too clear myself. I went to a detox facility. Their counselors were supposed to help my find a provider in my area. My case got put on the back burner & they apologized for it. However, on the brighter side.....Blue sent me a PM with a link to connect me with a provider in my area. I am so blessed to have you both on my side, I am in tears. I went to the website that connects me with a suboxone doctor. I put in my info & within 30 min a suboxone doctor contacted me via email asking me to give him a call to discuss my treatment. It's only 45 min away (very doable), he accepts my insurance & I have an appointment for tomorrow morning with their intake dept at 10am. I also have an appointment to see the doctor on Monday. There is no waiting list, I only have to do mandatory psychotherapy sessions once a week rather than 3 times a week at 3 hours a pop for group sessions. I still plan on going to meetings, but I can do it at my pace. I sat in on a few meetings in detox, but I'll be honest with you.....it didn't feel right. I sat & listened, these stories were so horrible that I actually went back to my room & cried for these people. My entire life I've been told that I am too sensitive, but I can't help it. I felt the pain & trauma for these people. It really rattled me. Because I am "A Sensitive" (I absorb energies) I actually feel their pain as if it's my own. I just learned I am this way about a year ago. Most of my life I thought I was crazy & there was something wrong with me. But now that I am aware that I have what some people call a gift, I now have tools to protect myself. The problem is...the pills helped numb those strong feelings whether they were my own or someone elses. Now, I need to learn to cope with the painful energies. Fortunately, I absorb happy energy as well. I hope I don't sound like a crazy person. I am a positive person for the most part because I like to attract positive energy. It works for me (most of the time). I just can't thank Nannamom & Blue Eyes enough for your continued support. My hubby & I send big hugs!!
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 20 Nov 2012, 3:54 pm

That is wonderful news and I am so happy for you. Thank you Blue!!
She is a gem isn't she?
I don't think you sound crazy at all. But a wonderful caring person. You are well on your way and will do great in your recovery.
Keep us posted on how things go.
WE all have so many blessing going on around us and it is great to be a part of this group.
Take care

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 20 Nov 2012, 7:14 pm

YEA !!! I'm so glad you found a doctor that took you on.
Whew. Big relief.

Your "gift" sounds very interesting and I think it's important to view it as that....a gift !

I am very happy to have you as part of our little family here !!

Have a great night !

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Tue 20 Nov 2012, 7:46 pm

Thank You!! Today I feel great! I am still suffering a bit from the withdrawals being that I'm only taking 2mg daily, but I could be so much worse! I find that if I get up & clean my house, I feel so much better. I'm feeling happy & energetic. The muscle aches come back if I sit around for too long, so I just keep moving. Besides, a clean house for a clean body & mind Smile
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Wed 21 Nov 2012, 12:12 pm

Staying busy is important. When you see the new doctor he will adjust your dose to a comfortable level. You have the right idea and I am so happy for you.
Every time I see a new person in recovery it gives me hope for the next person. Every time someone tells their story it helps another person make a decision to save their own life.
Can you imagine how many people are sitting on the edge of a decision everyday not knowing what to do or how to do it. Once they read encouragement from the person they identify with it helps them to make that final step.
Thank you for being here. Have a wonderful day!

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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Thu 22 Nov 2012, 12:10 am

Hello Rae my name is Jasmine. I am also new to the forum and have been reading your posts.

A little background on me. I am a 20-year-old mother and soon to be wife who had been addicted to fentanyl patches for 2 years and vikes for 3 years before that! I was 14 when I first started taking the vikes. I had breast cancer and needed surgery to get it removed.

But that's enough about me. I have read your story and have been keeping up with it as you post and Nanamom Or Blue Eyes replies.
I am very happy for you in your recovery! So glad you made that decision and took that step! And if you ever need anything feel free to ask. Smile
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PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Thu 22 Nov 2012, 8:01 am

LOL....Likewise! I too read up on your posts, but unfortunately, I wasn't able to read all of them. Thank You very much for reachiing out to me.

I heard there were good days & bad days, I think yesterday was not one of my better days. I went to my store for the first time since I got back from Detox. I was only there 5 min when one of my pill suppliers showed up wanting to trade merchandise for pills like we've done in the past. I told him, I don't do that anymore. Now this guy has helped us in so many other ways as well. He actually used to work for me. He's gotten us out of some serious jams, so I didn't know how to handle this. He grabbed what he needed (which was good merchandise that people are always asking for) Like those K-cups for the Keurig coffee brewing system. I only get them once in a while & I have about 300 customers looking for them. It's like a lottery when they walk in & there is a box on the shelf. They actually scream! Anyway, I had gotten in 2 boxes & he took them both. I wanted to give a little discount, but I was flustered & not thinking so I blurted out $25.00. Well, each box goes for $28.00 for 80 K-cups. After he paid he said oh, I need trash bags, paper plates & toilet paper. Then he grabbed a bag & put in 3 packages of paper plates, & I said no more than 6 rolls of toilet paper, then he said 7 & smiled & grabbed one more. Grabbed a box of trash bags & walked out. I'm so frustrated, I got completely snowballed. He walked out with about $85.00 worth of merchandise for $25.00. I am so pissed. I think thats what ruined my day.

Next time I see him, I will ring him up on the register then take 10% or 20% off, but this way I'm not thinking of math or anything else, the register will do it all for me. I might even say, I didn't realize you took both boxes of K-Cups, I have to charge you another $25.00 & another $20.00 for the additional trash bags, paper plates & toilet paper you grabbed after you paid last time. I don't want to piss him off, but I felt so taken advantage of.

Also, I was only gone 1 week & my store is TRASHED. I have 4 employees & it looks like a bomb went off. Nobody faced the merchandise, there was merchandise all over the floor when there was more than enough room for them on the shelf. Now today is Thanksgiving, my store opens at 6am tomorrow & I have to go in @ 3am just to make it presentable. Oh & a newish employee who has been with me for only 2 months called out so she could babysit her neice. She called out after I told everyone I was going into the hospital & this is the time I needed to depend on everyone. Plus, she called out to a fellow employee, not a boss. Not to mention this is her 4th or 5th absence while she is still in her 90 day probationary period. I am so screwed. I want to fire her right now, but I don't have any new prospects to replace her. I have a stack of 30 applications & not one person is what I am looking for. I'm telling you, if you saw these applications, you would understand why these people can't find work. They can't even follow simple instructions!

This stress is so unbearable! I honestly want to go in & SCREAM! Completely lose it....I know that would rattle them. They always say I'm a softy, I'm too nice, I'm a sweetheart. They've never seen me upset.

Alright, alright...that was my rant. I will have a better day today! Tomorrow will be even better. Tomorrow will make us money that will all go right into the bank account. Not one dime will be spent on a pill. HOW EXCITING!!

BTW, on a lighter note, when I was speaking with social workers they would ask, "Have you ever had homicidal thoughts?"

My answer: EVERYDAY! Laughing

I WANT TO WISH EVERYONE A VERY HAPPY THANKSGIVING FILLED WITH LOVE!

-Rae
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Registration date : 2012-01-23

PostSubject: Re: I need help & I am scared   Thu 22 Nov 2012, 8:14 am

Hello Rae

I'm sorry that jerk took advantage of your kindness.

But, let's put it behind you ! You did it, and it's over.
He has to now know that your not trading merchandise for pills, so that means, he
no longer gets things at a discount or even free !! BE STRONG !

The best part of this recovery is that we can be in treatment, taking our meds and work on the rest of our life issues.
Take your work for example. Now is the time to concentrate on that. I am still in shock
at how well my job is going. Things have turned around %100 for me, and I know
it can for you too. You can deal with the lousy employee with a clear head and know
your doing what's best for you and your business.

I'm so proud of you !! Keep it up ! Your stronger than you think !!!

Happy Thanksgiving to you too, we sure have a lot to be thankful for, don't we?


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