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 Today's Thought~ Dealing with family members

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nannamom
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PostSubject: Today's Thought~ Dealing with family members   Sat 22 Jun 2013, 11:30 am

I was 35 years old the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. . .I didn't have to start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - the way she wanted me to.
--Anonymous





Who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power? No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering, relationships with family members can be provocative. One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that lasts for hours or days.

The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.

Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. How we take care of ourselves is our issue.

We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family.

We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves.

Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know its okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.

Today's thought is a reading from the book:
"The Language of Letting go by Melody Beattie

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PostSubject: Re: Today's Thought~ Dealing with family members   Sun 23 Jun 2013, 6:26 am

WOW Dee!  Thank you for posting this!  I read it & knew I had to chime in.  I used to struggle with my family.  I gave them so much power.  It was like I was constantly searching for their approval in everything I do.  I'd be happy or thrilled about something in my life & my mother would throw a wrench in it every time.  She still does that, but it doesn't bother me like it used to. Sure every now & then she hits a nerve, but I remember that she is just reacting the only way she knows how.  I've learned a great way to cope with family members that used to have the power to hurt me so badly.  I've shared it with a few of the members on this site, but I am not sure if I did it on the forum or through a PM.  So, I figured I'd share it here.  It is such a fun & light hearted way to disconnect from that strong & emotional need to get approval from our loved ones. Here it goes....

Try to have this perspective......

Life is nothing more than a movie.  In your movie, you are the main character, the writer, the director & the producer. Your life is "Your Movie" & YOU have control over what kind of movie it is going to be.  Is it going to be a comedy? A horror flick? A drama like Lifetime Movie (I hope not!)The choice is yours to make. Every time I am faced with gossip, a nasty mother, a hurtful sister, I just say to myself, "How do you want this movie to play out?"  Then I choose whether or not to feed into the drama & make my movie a drama or just to walk away & understand that their reaction is in their movie.  In your movie I said how you are the main character....your mother plays the role of your negative mother (if that is her character type), your sister plays the role of your jealous sister, your boss plays the role of your jerky boss & so on. So for example...My mom calls with news (that's what she calls it) about my sister having problems with her husband.  I call this gossip & I choose not to engage in this negativity. So I just say to her in a very obnoxious way, "Really?  That sucks!"  Then I find some excuse to get off the phone. OR if someone makes a rude remark...instead of getting upset, I feel sorry for that person.  I say, "Wow, they must have some serious issues in their life"  I choose not to let it bother me. Who has time for that? I want to live a fun & happy life.  I don't have time to worry about the things I don't have control over.  And the things I don't have control over are other people.  I only have control over myself & I choose happiness.  The more negativity I allow into my life, the more negativity I am going to attract.  The more love & gratitude I have in my life, the more love & gratitude I am going to receive.  I have been living with this mindset & perception for the last couple of years now & I will have to say, my life has improved dramatically.  That is not to say that bad things don't happen.  I am not exempt from life's stresses.  I have lived a very hard life (hence my drug addiction) myself, so when people say, "Well I can't be that way because my life won't allow it.  I have this & that going on, I've been through this & that"  All I can say is they are right.  They can't be happy because they have made up their minds already that it's not possible.  I know my own truth.  I know what struggles I've had.  I am not one to share all of them, but I know those struggles are bad enough to break any person.  I chose to rise above it.  if I can do it....anyone can.

So.....take control of your movie & be the best person you can be for your family & most of all FOR YOU!

-Rae
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PostSubject: Re: Today's Thought~ Dealing with family members   Sun 23 Jun 2013, 6:07 pm

Dee, 
 
Man, this forum has been quiet lately !!!
 
THANK YOU for posting this !  And Rae, I'm glad you posted the movie option. I can re-read it (and take notes, lol) 
It's a great tool, I just have to learn to USE IT !!!! 
 
I also struggle with dealing with people at work. I think you both know this. I have to learn to feel nothing when dealing with a person that actually has Munchausen syndrome (which your both familiar with.
She always has some illness, she is always going to the doctor. She actually told another co-worker that her mother had lung cancer. I later told that other co-worker that her mom was fine, she didn't have cancer.  Anyway, getting back to the issue. I have to learn not to let her upset me anymore. I have to feel nothing when it comes to her. She has to be written out of my movie LOL !!! 
I love this thread, I hope we can keep it going a bit and add to it. 
 
Hey, I meant to ask, my reply box looks different, do both of yours do too ???

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PostSubject: Re: Today's Thought~ Dealing with family members   Wed 26 Jun 2013, 11:23 am

It is a great way to deal with people Rae I agree with Blue. In fact I had to "fire" a few people from my movie last night. No great loss and I feel it is the only way to deal with some of the in laws. 

Blue, yes there is a change to the reply box. The admin of the forums not our admin but the admin of the forum system made the changes on June 12th. It is still in the beta stage so there may still be some bugs. If this happens let me know and I will report it so that it can be dealt with. 
I will post the announcement in topic for moderator announcements to let everyone know. 
You ladies and of course the gents of our little family have a great and wonderful day. 
Dee

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